Constipation – A story told by Scarlett in the language of smilies

By Scarlett (That’s still my fake name, but don’t worry, I will continue to use a variety of fake names in the future.)   The End An encyclopaedic note on the language of smilies: This language has been part of the human race’s plethora of communication forms since as far back as the times of monkey-people, woolly-mammoths and sabre-toothed-chicken-dinosaurs. Its closest linguistic relative is the language of Minions and its most distant not-actually-related-relative is Klingon, giving a linguistic radius of 63 GigaSinatras (which is a very exciting statistic to the world-wide society of topologists and endobuttockologists).

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Internet Induced Cat Rebellion – Part 2

-more stupid thoughts of a Guinevere (and some quite mean thoughts too) There are many theories about the impending destruction of humankind – it may or may not be the case that certain members of my family foresee a colossal fartpocalypse caused by too many cow farts tipping the balance of global warming (not caused by me asphyxiating the human race with one of my many stomach bugs – and by the way, I do at least 50% of the time exercise some of the main guidelines of diarrhoea etiquette by opening the bathroom window and replenishing the depleted toilet…

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Internet Induced Cat Rebellion – Part 1

– stupid thoughts of a Guinevere (Guinevere is the fake name I am giving to myself for this story, and Lancelot is the fake name of my boyfriend.) Lancelot and I were having a pub garden conversation about cats. I was saying that a lot of internet cats are a bit retarded-looking, physically deformed or genetically weird. I said that I think the popularity of expensive full-breed cats will probably go downhill because there will be more and more demand for retarded and deformed cats. There will be cat breeders who find ways of breeding messed-up cats and they will be highly sought…

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The Opposite of a Cat

There is a buzz in the streets. It’s buzzing through all the most fashionable cafes and bars. It buzzes repeatedly through all the busy train stations. It’s made its mark on the Wall Street Journal and the notorious Newsletter of the Sardine Tin Collectors’ Society. What is this buzz you ask? It is the fantastically exciting new question that everyone wishes to have answered: What is the opposite of a cat? The first and most obvious answer that many would give is “a dog”. However, when you analyse the attributes of dogs and cats, you find that they have far too many things…

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