My New Jeans

This is the true story of what I discovered a few years ago when I bought my first ever pair of posh jeans. For the purposes of keeping this story kinda-anonymous, my fake name will be Violet Protoplasm, which will be highly necessary when this blog goes viral and causes everyone to die rolling around in agony from Violet-Protoplasm-Blog-Virus. My New Jeans By Violet Protoplasm   I was in TKMaxx (a moderately addictive outlet store) on Saturday and there was this section, the ‘VIP’ section, where VIP stood for “Very Important Purchase” True! Chavtastic! I saw these cool looking jeans…

Read more ›

Constipation – A story told by Scarlett in the language of smilies

By Scarlett (That’s still my fake name, but don’t worry, I will continue to use a variety of fake names in the future.)   The End An encyclopaedic note on the language of smilies: This language has been part of the human race’s plethora of communication forms since as far back as the times of monkey-people, woolly-mammoths and sabre-toothed-chicken-dinosaurs. Its closest linguistic relative is the language of Minions and its most distant not-actually-related-relative is Klingon, giving a linguistic radius of 63 GigaSinatras (which is a very exciting statistic to the world-wide society of topologists and endobuttockologists).

Read more ›

Scarlett and the TK-Maxx Incident

For the purposes of this story, I will continue using the fake name Scarlett while my boyfriend’s fake name will continue to be Genghis. On Wednesday, Scarlett went back to the doctor at the Unwieldy Bottom Medical Centre. It had been a week since her last visit and she had now been having diarrhoea for 3 ½ weeks. The results of her liquid-poo-in-a-bucket-with-a-paper-plate lab tests were available and conclusively stated that it was probably a virus and there was nothing much anyone could do. Now, as a woman with diarrhoea, Scarlett had access to certain sanitary paraphernalia – the kind…

Read more ›

Scarlett’s Exciting Day

For the purposes of this story, I will be using the fake name Scarlett and my boyfriend’s fake name will be Genghis. Yes, another diarrhoea story… Please read on. I awoke with an intense gut ache and outwards pressure of the bumhole. Diarrhoea again! It’s been two and a half weeks of diarrhoea from some nasty viral gastroenteritis, but today will be different. Today I get to shit on a Sainsbury’s Basics paper plate. The reason for such an exciting event so early in the morning is that yesterday I was at the doctor’s where they gave me a plastic tube into…

Read more ›

Bum Undies

I hate bum undies! Those are the ones that go right up your bum crack and slide back up the moment you try to pull them out. But they disguise themselves as regular undies by not actually being thong design. Sometimes you can be shopping for undies and you hold up a pair of bum undies and they look exactly like comfy knickers, so you can buy them by accident and then the first time you wear them you discover that they have a bum hole magnet in them (and it is magnetically North while your bum hole is a…

Read more ›

© 2020 Crazy Weird Stories