Farty Bumhole

Ingrid sat bare-arsed on the edge of her bed, mini LED torch at the ready as she faced the full length mirror. Its glass was polished to the point of almost gleaming, with the exception of the three pimple splatter patches at head height. She picked up her legs, knees to ears and peered between them into the mirror, while the rumbling in her guts drew nearer. Suddenly, “bbbwwooarrr!!!” came the loudest master-blaster fart ever to disturb the Richter scale. She angled her torch to the mathematically calculated angle of maximum illumination, expecting to see the uncharted depths of her…

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Shiny Stuff on the Plane – A Sleepy Misadventure

This is a true story of something which happened about two years ago. On the plane from New Zealand to London, when I was sleeping and I was in a slightly-awake-mostly-asleep-and-dreaming state, I saw something shiny and reached out to touch it. This was like a sleep walker without the walking. I did actually reach out and touch it – it simply wasn’t enough for me to dream that I was reaching out to touch it – I really needed to touch it for real. I was sleepy-wondering what the shiny thing was and was running the back of my fingers over…

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The Cow Story

This is the tale of what happened in September a couple of years ago. (Guinevere is the fake name I am giving to myself for this story, and Lancelot is the fake name of my boyfriend.) The Cow Story  Another stupid true story by Me Back in September, I was jogging through the usual field when I got chased by a cow. Now, usually the cows are timid of humans and they back away when they see you coming, and likewise I give them a wide berth to avoid frightening them. But on this day, it was a young half-grown male…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 5

Friday: Today a 14-year old super-genius computer hacker called Vladimir got on the bus with his laptop. In return for a pizza and a 2 litre bottle of full-fat Coke, he invited us all to join him in his next hacking project which involved the Fonz (AKA Arthur Fonzarelli). He explained to us that the Fonz is actually a robot-cyborg dude controlled by an artificial intelligence known as the Brilliant Revolutionary Artificial Intelligence Network for Fonzie using Advanced Robotic Technology (the BRAINFART for short). This made sense to us because there was an episode of Happy Days where Fonzie did…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 4

Thursday: It was a zombie apocalypse on the bus today. The main reason for the zombies doing so well was that everyone thought that they could kill dead (proper dead) the zombies by destroying their brains. It was the quick thinking and moderately brave actions of one Rhiannon that saved the day. She was the one who figured out that killing (proper dead) a bus-zombie required a crossbow bolt straight to the bumhole (that’s the zombie’s bumhole, not the still-alive-human-that-the-zombie-wants-to-eat’s bumhole). The turning point in the battle occurred during a particularly bloody struggle between an old lady with a smelly…

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