My New Jeans

This is the true story of what I discovered a few years ago when I bought my first ever pair of posh jeans. For the purposes of keeping this story kinda-anonymous, my fake name will be Violet Protoplasm, which will be highly necessary when this blog goes viral and causes everyone to die rolling around in agony from Violet-Protoplasm-Blog-Virus. My New Jeans By Violet Protoplasm   I was in TKMaxx (a moderately addictive outlet store) on Saturday and there was this section, the ‘VIP’ section, where VIP stood for “Very Important Purchase” True! Chavtastic! I saw these cool looking jeans…

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Constipation – A story told by Scarlett in the language of smilies

By Scarlett (That’s still my fake name, but don’t worry, I will continue to use a variety of fake names in the future.)   The End An encyclopaedic note on the language of smilies: This language has been part of the human race’s plethora of communication forms since as far back as the times of monkey-people, woolly-mammoths and sabre-toothed-chicken-dinosaurs. Its closest linguistic relative is the language of Minions and its most distant not-actually-related-relative is Klingon, giving a linguistic radius of 63 GigaSinatras (which is a very exciting statistic to the world-wide society of topologists and endobuttockologists).

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Scarlett and the TK-Maxx Incident

For the purposes of this story, I will continue using the fake name Scarlett while my boyfriend’s fake name will continue to be Genghis. On Wednesday, Scarlett went back to the doctor at the Unwieldy Bottom Medical Centre. It had been a week since her last visit and she had now been having diarrhoea for 3 ½ weeks. The results of her liquid-poo-in-a-bucket-with-a-paper-plate lab tests were available and conclusively stated that it was probably a virus and there was nothing much anyone could do. Now, as a woman with diarrhoea, Scarlett had access to certain sanitary paraphernalia – the kind…

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