Scarlett and the TK-Maxx Incident

For the purposes of this story, I will continue using the fake name Scarlett while my boyfriend’s fake name will continue to be Genghis. On Wednesday, Scarlett went back to the doctor at the Unwieldy Bottom Medical Centre. It had been a week since her last visit and she had now been having diarrhoea for 3 ½ weeks. The results of her liquid-poo-in-a-bucket-with-a-paper-plate lab tests were available and conclusively stated that it was probably a virus and there was nothing much anyone could do. Now, as a woman with diarrhoea, Scarlett had access to certain sanitary paraphernalia – the kind…

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Internet Induced Cat Rebellion – Part 2

-more stupid thoughts of a Guinevere (and some quite mean thoughts too) There are many theories about the impending destruction of humankind – it may or may not be the case that certain members of my family foresee a colossal fartpocalypse caused by too many cow farts tipping the balance of global warming (not caused by me asphyxiating the human race with one of my many stomach bugs – and by the way, I do at least 50% of the time exercise some of the main guidelines of diarrhoea etiquette by opening the bathroom window and replenishing the depleted toilet…

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Internet Induced Cat Rebellion – Part 1

– stupid thoughts of a Guinevere (Guinevere is the fake name I am giving to myself for this story, and Lancelot is the fake name of my boyfriend.) Lancelot and I were having a pub garden conversation about cats. I was saying that a lot of internet cats are a bit retarded-looking, physically deformed or genetically weird. I said that I think the popularity of expensive full-breed cats will probably go downhill because there will be more and more demand for retarded and deformed cats. There will be cat breeders who find ways of breeding messed-up cats and they will be highly sought…

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The Opposite of a Cat

There is a buzz in the streets. It’s buzzing through all the most fashionable cafes and bars. It buzzes repeatedly through all the busy train stations. It’s made its mark on the Wall Street Journal and the notorious Newsletter of the Sardine Tin Collectors’ Society. What is this buzz you ask? It is the fantastically exciting new question that everyone wishes to have answered: What is the opposite of a cat? The first and most obvious answer that many would give is “a dog”. However, when you analyse the attributes of dogs and cats, you find that they have far too many things…

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Bum Undies

I hate bum undies! Those are the ones that go right up your bum crack and slide back up the moment you try to pull them out. But they disguise themselves as regular undies by not actually being thong design. Sometimes you can be shopping for undies and you hold up a pair of bum undies and they look exactly like comfy knickers, so you can buy them by accident and then the first time you wear them you discover that they have a bum hole magnet in them (and it is magnetically North while your bum hole is a…

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