-more stupid thoughts of a Guinevere
(and some quite mean thoughts too)
There are many theories about the impending destruction of humankind – it may or may not be the case that certain members of my family foresee a colossal fartpocalypse caused by too many cow farts tipping the balance of global warming (not caused by me asphyxiating the human race with one of my many stomach bugs – and by the way, I do at least 50% of the time exercise some of the main guidelines of diarrhoea etiquette by opening the bathroom window and replenishing the depleted toilet roll stocks).
Now back to the topic at hand, there was a newspaper scientist guy a year or two ago who said that the human race would evolve down two paths, completely diverging into two separate species – the smart humans will evolve into bulbous-headed, little-bodied dudes like movie aliens, while the thick people will evolve into short fat dumpy people with pot bellies, long arms that they drag behind them, and faces with features similar to Wayne Rooney after walking into a tree branch.
If it is true that the short dumpy dudes will evolve from dumbass people, then I wish to raise the issue of Dagenham Market, East London. I cannot speak first hand, having never been there, but I gather that on Sundays, this market fills up with people who are obsessed with adorning themselves in bright-pink-velour-fake-Juicy-Couture tracksuits and sparkly jewellery. Their pants too tight, hanging too low, and revealing a chip-fattened builder’s bum with a slightly discoloured and over-worn thong coming out of it (and probably begging for thong-mercy). Their large alcopop-fattened wobbly bellies hanging over the front of their pants (not necessarily hanging so low as to completely obscure the bow-tied waistband drawstring) with the revealed stretch-marked belly flesh glowing in a nice tangerine-orange colour consistent with the shades offered by the local spraytan salon.
Clearly, this on its own is not enough to assume an evolutionary path as described by the newspaper scientist guy in question, but there is more – the dogs. These people like to keep little handbag dogs – the pug kind (for those of you not familiar with pug dogs, they are the ones that look like dogs with Down’s Syndrome, dogs whose excessively high chromosome count can be accounted for by the addition of bullfrog chromosomes to their regular dog DNA).
But the ladies of Dagenham don’t even carry their dogs in their handbags. No, they push them along in children’s pushchairs dressed in bright-pink-velour-fake-Juicy-Couture doggy tracksuits with sparkly collars and pink nail polish (and perhaps even a doggy vagazzle, penazzle or buttazzle).
The point is essentially that these people think that their little bullfrog dogs are their babies. They put them in clothes for crying out loud! Matching their own clothes! That is why they will evolve into the short fat dumpy dudes with gormless faces! But that is also why all of dogkind will revolt and fight back against humans. They will join the pussypocalypse cats and fight alongside them. It will be one giant worldwide pussypocalypse doggy-style!
Lancelot can’t wait!
Addendum: Some of the other pictures I found on Google Images that I didn’t end up using in this story: