I co-wrote this infomercial with Dr C – Don’t panic that a person as mental as this written piece would indicate is a doctor. She hasn’t got any patients … except maybe a slow matroid with haemorrhoids and perpetual hiccups.
Imagine life for a dog whose olfactory system doesn’t work (round yellow sad-face). In doggy society, sniffing is a large part of interacting with the world as well as socialising with other dogs. In fact, meeting a new dog and simultaneously sniffing each other’s bums (in a 69-type configuration) can be as exciting for a dog as it would be for us to meet the handsome and debonair gentleman known to God’s green world as The Fonz! Consequently, life for a poor sweet dog that can’t smell would be a bit like life for a blind person with no dog or cane.
Wipe those tears away, for there is hope! We all know that blind people can get guide dogs to see for them (and to lick The Fonz’s yummy face), and now thanks to Global Fart-Face Technologies Ltd (a subsidiary of Global Diarrhoea-Arse Corporation), olfactorially-challenged dogs can now get their very own sniffer dog to do all their buttock & turd sniffing for them! Not only that, it can lead them to the best trees and car tyres for peeing on, it can choose the best shoe for chewing, and it can 69-arse-sniff during the exciting meeting of a new dog!
For such amazing benefits, previously known only to celebrity dogs, you would expect to pay thousands of dollars! But we can now offer you this amazing product for just three easy payments of $69.69!
But wait! That’s not all! Call now and we’ll throw in a free Pussypocalypse Countdown Clock!
Don’t delay! Stocks are limited!
Testimony of Toby-Dog of Wisconsin
Have you ever felt different? Like you didn’t get a joke that everyone else was laughing at? I felt like that every day of my doggy life (which is seven human days, but I can’t do fractions yet so I can’t convert it to turtle days). And it wasn’t even the hat. You see, ever since I was a pup, I have had no sense of smell. I could pretend to smell things, like this plant, but it was all a show. On the outside, it looked like I was sniffing a stranger’s crotch, but on the inside, I was dying (and not from stinky-crotch asphyxiation which was how I lost Benjee). I could walk, fetch, and roll over. But I didn’t even know what my human smelled like.
Sniffer-Dogs™, changed all that. They gave me Milo, who is my constant companion. He tells me what smells are in the air, in the bums of my friends, and in the crotches of my humans. I finally get the joke. I feel I belong. Thank you, Sniffer-Dogs™. You’ve given me a new lease on life.
Testimony of J-Slaw (cousin of the famous rap legend Cole Slaw) of LA
Dogs be gettin all up into my ass, yo. I wanna be getting all up into they asses, yo. I wanna be getting all up in The Fonz ass, yo. And yo mama’s ass. But I cain’t smell shit since that West-Side mofo popped a cap in my face. Now I is makin a good life with my new homies, Jesus and my Sniffer-Dog™ Bo-Slaw. I is a badass turned good-ass, and wouldn’t be here today without my Sniffer-Dog™. Srsly. Yo. Stay in skool y’all.
Testimony (and testicle) of Cleopatra of Giza Arkansas
Hi, I’m Cleopatra and I want to sniff food and flowers and feet and cats and sausage rolls and turds and wheels and chairs and trees and testicles and bins and fingers and old condoms and sick and shoes and piss and bags and cheese and balls and cheesy balls and Frisbees and dead birds and knickers and sticks and Australians and hay and Sumo wrestlers and pumpkin, but I can’t. Now I have Anthony my Sniffer-Dog™ and he makes it all better.
Get in quick to receive this once-in-a-lifetime coupon:
See for yourselves:
A real life reality clip of a real life olfactorially-challenged doggy and her real life Sniffer Dog™ and his real sniffing and her real reaction to his real sniffing. For real! On the real youtube! Just click this real youtube link to see for your real self:
Keepin’ it real!
Disclaimer: No Fonzies were harmed in the development of this product, or in the making of this
infomercial. In fact, all Fonzies were originally Sam & Deans, but those (unharmed) Sam & Deans
were discarded after an executive decision that only about half of the target market for Sniffer- Dogs™ would get the reference. In fact, only half of the board of executives gets the Sam & Dean reference.
And a final word from our biggest customer, the Fonz: