I wrote this letter of complaint to Marks and Spencer a few years ago:
Dear M&S,
I recently purchased a tub of your “Tomato & Meatball Soup”. This tub contained only two meatballs, and while they were absolutely delicious, this works out at only one meatball per soup bowl. I recommend that you increase your meatball-to-soup ratio to approximately six meatballs per tub (or three meatballs per soup bowl), since such an increase will undoubtedly improve your sales figures by repeat-purchase customers. Now, I realize that I am recommending a threefold increase in the quantity of meat going into this variety of soup, which will imply a threefold increase in the slaughter of soup-destined pigs and cows. On the face of it, this may seem an excessive waste of precious life, however it may be possible to reduce the meat quantities in some of your other prepared meals to rebalance the overall animal slaughter. For example, cheese-intensive meals could easily have their meat-to-cheese ratios reduced, because let’s face facts, cheese is totally disgusting regardless of what other food it is combined with. I thank you kindly for considering my culinary advice and wish you good fortune with all of your future soup endeavours.
Yours Sincerely,
Me
I used my actual name on the letter, but can’t seem to put my actual name here – go figure! The rest of it is word-for-word true. The reply was one of those generic letters they send to everyone offering to give their money back if they kept the receipt 🙁 lame 🙁