Wednesday: Today a madman with a potato gun and two gigantic buttocks held the bus hostage. His bum was so massive (even bigger than that ex-student’s bum who was trying to sue us for the last four years), so massive that his bum felt true comradeship with every bouncy castle he had ever encountered (although those bouncy castles did tend to stick to his bum because of buttock gravity – the physics of which will appear in Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Buttocks” in all good bookstores this July; furthermore, unlike bouncy castles, young ladies are usually advised not to jump up and down on the madman’s massive buttocks for reasons of crevice peril). He held our bus hostage as part of his political campaign to abolish flatulence tax and to pass laws against flatulence discrimination. Whilst pointing his potato gun at all of us, he said his name was Sphincter and the betterment of bumkind was his ultimate goal. At gunpoint we all signed the petition tattooed on his buttock cheek and we wished him good luck as he exited the bus at Rickmansworth Station in pursuit of a train load of posh businessmen (who are not usually known for their kindness to potato pellets and big-buttocked potato gunslingers called Sphincter).
Read the next instalment of the thrilling five-part saga “Bumhole Bus Journeys”