I wrote this letter of compliment to the bucket-making dudes of Addis a few years ago. I didn’t sign off with my real identity, so receiving a reply was long odds at best.
Dear Addis Customer Feedback Team,
A number of years ago, my partner purchased one of your Addis buckets (in off-white with the wide off-white easy-grip handle and the easy-pour spout) to use with his tropical fish tank. During our time with the Addis bucket, it has performed its function to the highest of standards, primarily in the areas of cleaning tropical fish tanks and of capturing vomit. Very recently it was put to the ultimate test under the most trying of circumstances, an incident in our household involving a severely blocked toilet during which I was required to defecate in the off-white bucket from 6:57am on the Saturday morning in question until 7:04am the same Saturday (note that “bucket-fright”, a close relation of stage-fright, caused a slowing-down of the usually swift process). Once again, the off-white Addis bucket performed majestically under the intensity of this high-stress situation. Now, a highly civilised and well-raised person such as yourself may be wondering how well the bucket coped with our urinary secretions on the afore-mentioned Saturday. The answer is that it didn’t. This is because our shower was designated as the household’s urinary-secretion capturing device during that crisis period. We apologise to you for not subjecting our off-white Addis bucket to this test (thus proving your worthiness as a world-class manufacturer of buckets), however we believe that from our previous bucket data, we may mathematically extrapolate that the Addis bucket will perform extraordinarily well under such conditions.
I shall round off this letter by congratulating you on a bucket well-made! This bucket is a credit to you and your colleagues at Addis. Moreover, I look forward to all future off-white Addis-brand liquid receptacles that we may have the honour of welcoming into our warm household.
Yours Sincerely,
Callipygos-the ancient Greek goddess whose name means beautiful buttocks.