Internet Induced Cat Rebellion – Part 1

– stupid thoughts of a Guinevere (Guinevere is the fake name I am giving to myself for this story, and Lancelot is the fake name of my boyfriend.) Lancelot and I were having a pub garden conversation about cats. I was saying that a lot of internet cats are a bit retarded-looking, physically deformed or genetically weird. I said that I think the popularity of expensive full-breed cats will probably go downhill because there will be more and more demand for retarded and deformed cats. There will be cat breeders who find ways of breeding messed-up cats and they will be highly sought…

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The Opposite of a Cat

There is a buzz in the streets. It’s buzzing through all the most fashionable cafes and bars. It buzzes repeatedly through all the busy train stations. It’s made its mark on the Wall Street Journal and the notorious Newsletter of the Sardine Tin Collectors’ Society. What is this buzz you ask? It is the fantastically exciting new question that everyone wishes to have answered: What is the opposite of a cat? The first and most obvious answer that many would give is “a dog”. However, when you analyse the attributes of dogs and cats, you find that they have far too many things…

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Itchy Bumhole – Google Messes With My Head

I am a magnet for fucked up shit! Please peruse my offerings, for you are sure to conclude the same: The other day I searched Google for something normal. Yes, really! Something normal! I do sometimes look for normal stuff. But Google is a living, thinking being, a big computer brain that is alive and emotional, a shit-stirrer disguised as a computer program. And he saw me coming! He said “Oh joy! Here comes Bananaflee (that’s my name for the purposes of this story). How can we screw with her head today?” He then replied to himself (he likes to talk to…

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Bum Undies

I hate bum undies! Those are the ones that go right up your bum crack and slide back up the moment you try to pull them out. But they disguise themselves as regular undies by not actually being thong design. Sometimes you can be shopping for undies and you hold up a pair of bum undies and they look exactly like comfy knickers, so you can buy them by accident and then the first time you wear them you discover that they have a bum hole magnet in them (and it is magnetically North while your bum hole is a…

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Farty Bumhole

Ingrid sat bare-arsed on the edge of her bed, mini LED torch at the ready as she faced the full length mirror. Its glass was polished to the point of almost gleaming, with the exception of the three pimple splatter patches at head height. She picked up her legs, knees to ears and peered between them into the mirror, while the rumbling in her guts drew nearer. Suddenly, “bbbwwooarrr!!!” came the loudest master-blaster fart ever to disturb the Richter scale. She angled her torch to the mathematically calculated angle of maximum illumination, expecting to see the uncharted depths of her…

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