The Cow Story

This is the tale of what happened in September a couple of years ago. (Guinevere is the fake name I am giving to myself for this story, and Lancelot is the fake name of my boyfriend.) The Cow Story  Another stupid true story by Me Back in September, I was jogging through the usual field when I got chased by a cow. Now, usually the cows are timid of humans and they back away when they see you coming, and likewise I give them a wide berth to avoid frightening them. But on this day, it was a young half-grown male…

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Scholar’s Hotel

I wrote this letter of compliment a few years ago after a smoker dude did a very unsanitarily stinky fart at a restaurant. That makes it sound like the letter was to him. Read on to see what I actually mean… 6th January 2010 Dear Scholar’s Hotel, Restaurant and Bar, On the Sunday that fell just after St. Stephen’s Day, I was fortunate enough to partake of an evening meal at your restaurant with my partner and his parents. Our evening had a fine start with bottles of French and Chilean wine slurped elegantly in an atmosphere of well-judged mood lighting…

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The Bucket

I wrote this letter of compliment to the bucket-making dudes of Addis a few years ago. I didn’t sign off with my real identity, so receiving a reply was long odds at best. Dear Addis Customer Feedback Team, A number of years ago, my partner purchased one of your Addis buckets (in off-white with the wide off-white easy-grip handle and the easy-pour spout) to use with his tropical fish tank. During our time with the Addis bucket, it has performed its function to the highest of standards, primarily in the areas of cleaning tropical fish tanks and of capturing vomit.…

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Sparkling Passionfruit Juice

I sent this complaint letter to Rubicon a few years ago, a little after the M&S meatball soup letter. Dear Rubicon, I recently had cans of your sparkling passionfruit juice and guava juice. The passionfruit was absolutely delicious and I have recommended it to my friends. However, the Rubicon flavour-design executives that worked on the guava flavour must try harder. I found it tasted reminiscent of sausages (both meat sausages and the Linda McCartney brand vegetarian sausage rolls). Now, although I do enjoy a good sausage as much as the next person, I take much more enjoyment from a fruit…

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Meatball Soup

I wrote this letter of complaint to Marks and Spencer a few years ago: Dear M&S, I recently purchased a tub of your “Tomato & Meatball Soup”. This tub contained only two meatballs, and while they were absolutely delicious, this works out at only one meatball per soup bowl. I recommend that you increase your meatball-to-soup ratio to approximately six meatballs per tub (or three meatballs per soup bowl), since such an increase will undoubtedly improve your sales figures by repeat-purchase customers. Now, I realize that I am recommending a threefold increase in the quantity of meat going into this…

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