Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 5

Friday: Today a 14-year old super-genius computer hacker called Vladimir got on the bus with his laptop. In return for a pizza and a 2 litre bottle of full-fat Coke, he invited us all to join him in his next hacking project which involved the Fonz (AKA Arthur Fonzarelli). He explained to us that the Fonz is actually a robot-cyborg dude controlled by an artificial intelligence known as the Brilliant Revolutionary Artificial Intelligence Network for Fonzie using Advanced Robotic Technology (the BRAINFART for short). This made sense to us because there was an episode of Happy Days where Fonzie did…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 4

Thursday: It was a zombie apocalypse on the bus today. The main reason for the zombies doing so well was that everyone thought that they could kill dead (proper dead) the zombies by destroying their brains. It was the quick thinking and moderately brave actions of one Rhiannon that saved the day. She was the one who figured out that killing (proper dead) a bus-zombie required a crossbow bolt straight to the bumhole (that’s the zombie’s bumhole, not the still-alive-human-that-the-zombie-wants-to-eat’s bumhole). The turning point in the battle occurred during a particularly bloody struggle between an old lady with a smelly…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 3

Wednesday: Today a madman with a potato gun and two gigantic buttocks held the bus hostage. His bum was so massive (even bigger than that ex-student’s bum who was trying to sue us for the last four years), so massive that his bum felt true comradeship with every bouncy castle he had ever encountered (although those bouncy castles did tend to stick to his bum because of buttock gravity – the physics of which will appear in Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Buttocks” in all good bookstores this July; furthermore, unlike bouncy castles, young ladies are usually advised not…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 2

Tuesday: Today the bus got beamed up into an alien spaceship. The aliens had loads of really cool technology like an antimatter roller-coaster and photon torpedo enhanced anteaters. But if you want to have a tour of their spaceship, you have to pay for the tickets. This sounded good to me because I had a £20 note in my bag, but the aliens said they had no interest in human money (especially the British pound in this dire economic climate). Their main interest is in probing human bumholes, with a side-line interest in cattle mutilation. Giving them a look up my…

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Bumhole Bus Journeys: Part 1

Monday: Today the bus drove up a giant man’s bumhole. I didn’t see it coming because I was sitting on a backwards seat. The first indication I had that something about the bus journey was slightly unusual was when it all went dark and it smelled like farm country (you know, the smell of very large quantities of defecation-matter spread around lovingly and purposefully). But the giant man had a nasty dose of steak & Guinness fuelled constipation, so the bus crashed into a giant “brick”. It was carnage! Especially for those passengers engaged in open-mouth screaming at the moment…

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